Love - Please Find Me - a poem

Love –

My heart used to flutter

I used to swoon

My knees would buckle

We grew

    I grew

        I am independent,

            Self-sufficient.

               I can do it myself.

But I don’t want to.

I LOVE YOU.

Sometimes I forget the words

Or say them like a robot,

But deep inside I want to be loved.

I want you to hold me

To make the world better.

My heart loves.

     My body pulls me

          apart. Time has frozen me from you.

Self-sufficient.  I can do it.

I don’t need you,

But I do,

      I do.

        Please hear me.

I don’t even voice it, but I need you to know

To look through it all,

To love me,

      To care for me.

                I LOVE YOU!

                     Please find me.

My Rudder - a poem

A rudder put in so long ago can affect my travels today.

The rudder was put in with a promising dream and direction,

But at some point it was screwed in with firm lock-tight bolts.

Perhaps this strong hold was necessary against the winds that once stormed against us, necessary to avoid rocky outcroppings.

But now the immovability of that rudder is troubling; the clarity of the trajectory disconcerting.

As I start to jostle and pry at the bolts, I worry about the destruction it may foretell.

I have moved the bolts enough that the rudder is shaking – I can feel the turbulence.

I am unsure if I should break it free, and I know possibly in the movement I have created may tear us apart any way.

I fear that I will be so uncomfortable with the letting go of control that I will rebolt the rudder just on the other side of the hull.

How to be Sexy

  You know that old phrase, "beauty is only skin deep"; well, I am beginning to think that it doesn't even run that deep.  Recently my daughter has been pushing me to try colored and patterned bras.  I've got to say that I was hesitant at first, but relented and tried. I'm hooked, literally.  Wearing sexy bras, makes me feel sexier. 

I'm not quite as adventurous as my daughter, who would wear a bra like this:

She thinks the more colors the better.  But I definitely have turned a corner.  My most recent purchase:

which I guess is pretty racy and certainly way beyond my traditional white or beige that I have worn for the first half of my life.

The best thing is that I swear when I put on these bras I feel prettier, sexier, more attractive.  The only one that sees them (except for an occasional bra strap - my bra straps are forever peaking out) are me and my husband, but I would bet that others see the different attitude that I have been exuding because of my new underclothes.

Ironically, I was talking to the minister's wife the other day and she admitted the same thing.  Her daughter had been encouraging her to get out of the grandma underwear.  She pulled her shoulder strap out and bared a purple strap.

In fact I heard on the radio this phenomenon is not just a local one: http://health.msn.com/womens-health/daughters-seem-to-influence-mothers-fashion-sense .  Daughters in general are affecting mom's dressing habits.  I don't think I'll ever be as cool as her, but she definitely has uplifted my spirits and my sex appeal.

The Best Love Scene in a Movie - Ever!!!!

I was watching He's Not that into You with DD the other day.  And I have to say that they movie has the best love scene ever.  It not one with sex or passion or any traditional love scene.  In fact, all they do is hug.  But there is a part in the movie, after Jennifer Aniston has given Ben Afleck an ultimatum about getting married and has moved out, her father has a heart attack and she is holding down the fort.  Her brothers and brother-in-law are at the house but paying more attention to football than anything else.  Jennifer looks exhausted.  She, holding a basket of laundry, asks her brothers if anyone has done the shopping.  They reply their fine, they have everything they need. She exasperated says "No, for Dad," but gives up before the words are even out of her mouth.  You can she has all but given up. Then she turns, looks down the hall, and who does she see in the kitchen doing the dishes but Ben.  He blurts out that he's already been shopping, picked up some healthy choices for her father, and reassures her that everything is going to be ok.  Jen hugs him relieved.  And that is it.  That is the best love scene I have ever seen in a movie.  True love at its best!  I won't ruin it for you, but . . . maybe they'll get married any way.

The Secret to a Long and Happy Marriage

I don't think I have ever been as excited about an anniversary as I am this one.  I am not excited because we are going somewhere wonderful or because I'm expecting some big present (I think we are going to the Outback for dinner and then shopping at BJ's for the Boy Scout pasta dinner and we banned gifts a long time ago.). I am just excited that we are at 19 years.  It seems like we are very lucky to have such a length of time together.  I see so many of our friends getting divorces and on second and third marriages and yet we are still together.

DH and I started dating in my senior year of high school.  Who knew we would still be together so many years later?  I will never forget my husband's words when he tried to give me his class ring and I refused it, "Don't worry. We are going to get married someday, so it doesn't matter if you don't take it now."  I walked into my house and told my mother that he was insane; but, I guess he had the last laugh and was correct.

For those of you that are in the single digit celebrations or contemplating a future together, you may ask what the secret is.  I think the answer is that there is no secret.  Living with someone for so many years takes a lot of hard work, a lot of communication, and a lot of compromise.  Love is over rated some times. Commitment is everything.  If you think you are going to love every moment, quit now and walk away.  There may be days or moments that you down right hate each other, but then you remember those special moments, those special times, and the reason you are together and the anger slips away. 

I can only hope that I will posting about our anniversary for years to come!  I pray that one day will celebrate our 50th or 60th together, and may God bless all those couples who have.

Kidnapping Brides

At the library where DD volunteers, there are often free magazines that you can take (a great way to Reuse materials by the way). DD loves to take Modern Bride - mind you she is only 14 and a few years away from matrimonial bliss. Together, we look through the magazine praising and heckling the designs. I'm actually surprised how traditional DD's taste is. This time though, the magazine surprised me. Among the beautiful wedding dresses and just before the description of exotic honeymoons, was an article, "This Woman is Being Forced to be Married" by Esther Haynes. Certainly, this was not typical bridal reading, but I am married, so I'm not the typical Modern Bride reader. I have to admit that I did not realize that in our current time such a practice was still in effect.

Apparently, in Kyrgyzstan, a country in Asia, it is still common practice to kidnap your wife especially in the more rural areas. I don't mean like a cute reenactment of an old tradition. I mean a brutal, scary abduction that leads a young woman to the house of someone she may barely know, where she is forced to marry. If she can resist the attacks of the woman of this household and can extricate herself from the situation where even the law turns a blind eye, she may be shunned by her own family for breaking the tradition.

The piece was so compelling that I followed a link to find more on this story which was covered by PBS's Frontline. Please be aware that this is not a story for children and the harsh reality of what is going on can be disturbing, but I believe that you cannot change what you do not acknowledge. Kudos to Modern Bride for bringing up such an important subject.

I'm so darn angry at my husband: The Secret to a long marriage

Actually, today’s entry originally may have contained a long rant about my darn husband and then as I got in my car (we were switch cars on my way to work because he left his work late), I saw a diet coke, a 3 Musketeers bar, and a tiny note of apology. So instead this is an entry about 17 years of marriage and the secret to a long marriage – forgiveness and the willingness to forgiveness.

Many of my blog friends have been writing about the days they met their partners and how they got engaged. After being married for 17 years and together for over 20, I have come to realize that while our courtship was exciting and that it makes a good story, it is such a small part of the magic of our relationship. The magic comes in forgiveness, commitment, supportiveness, and working toward common goals.

Love is such a difficult word to define. Many of us want to be in love and be loved, but what does that mean to you . . . specifically. Many love affairs begin in the physical passion, but passion can only feed a relationship to such a point. There are times of anger, hurt, frustration, and strain. What then? Be committed enough to want to work on it, be supportive of the other person so that they feel comfortable to express their feelings, be willing to apologize if you’ve hurt the other person, be willing to accept an apology. If you want a long marriage, be ready to have good days and bad, to go through hard times and prosperous, to endure hardships and to flourish. Although no one enjoys the hard times this may be the time of the greatest growth in your relationship. That is why a marriage is a partnership. It is fun to sun bathe and swim with a lover, but there is truly nothing more reassuring than knowing that your partner has your back when you are under pressure.

So to my husband, if he ever finds this blog, I love you and thank you for thinking of my feelings.

Dating Your Husband

Have you seen the trailer for this movie:




I think this definately looks like DH and I should plan a date night. It is so easy to forget the us when you are caught up in the day to day. I have been begging / wishing that we could disappear back to our favorite inn - The Notchland Inn in Bartlett, NH.


While we can't get there in the near future, we sure can plan a date night with dinner and the movies. He should be willing to watch it since although it is a chick flick, as he calls these kinds of movies, it has firetrucks in it. I don't think I mentioned it before but DH sells firetrucks. I'll let you know if I can convince him to go. It won't be next weekend though because it is our local fair and I'll be starting my new job, but I'm going to pick a night and write it on the calendar in pen!

How do you guys keep your fire lit with your husbands?

The Small Print to Wedding Vows - Beware!

I was thinking about the traditional wedding vows today as I was loading and unloading the dishwasher. At first I thought that they needed to be revamped to properly reflect my husband and my relationship, but then I realized that they really said all that they needed. It was just that I did not read the fine print underneath.

I, Dawn, take you, George, to be my husband,
To have and to hold –to be touched by you and all future children at all times and at any time no matter how I feel about it; regardless of the fact that we will have two children within 22 months that will suckle endlessly from the same breasts that you will want to tend to as part of your marital privilege later.
For better or for worse –Despite losing jobs, losing our health insurance, and losing my mind in the day to day grind of life.
For richer, for poorer – And poorer and poorer and poorer, when we choose to add kids into the mix.
In sickness and in health – I will make sure that I still take care of the kids, do the laundry, and make dinner.
To love and to cherish – despite your disgusting habits that you are now passing onto our children.
From this day forward until death do us part – Who knew death would look so appealing? Is that really an option?

Of course, I guess my husband’s would be:

I, George, take you, Dawn, to be my wife,
To have and to hold my tongue even if I disagree with you.
For better or for worse dressed and I’ll revert to the “have and hold my tongue” when it is worse.
For richer, for poorer when as the college educated one, you choose to stay home with the children.
In sickness and in health, I will go to work to earn the money for our family
To love and to cherish and never speak of my frustrations to anyone, especially my mother.
From this day forward until death do us part which isn’t too far away if I keep working so hard.

Who knew these words could have so much meaning? The romance of getting married is like icing on the cake, living together day in and day out, surviving the trials and tribulations is the actual cake itself. It is the structure and the support. It is what makes the romance beautiful and worthwhile. It is the substance of the cake that makes the frosting so sweet.

The Benefits of Marriage

The men are back home . . .It has been a long quiet week: only one load of laundry. I think I ran the dishwasher twice. No meal planning – I think we had baked potatoes one night, clams another. It was so easy and quiet. Did I mention how quiet it was. Now they’re home, I have a homemade lasagna in the oven and there is a pile of laundry to be done. This situation might beg the question – why do women get married? I think all married women have asked themselves this question at one time or another (except maybe those that are still in the honeymoon phase.). Sometimes it seems that the husband takes as much time and energy as the kids. Wouldn’t it/ Couldn’t it be easier alone?

Each time I ponder this question, I fortunately come back with a resounding “NO!” The men – my son and husband – are critical members of our family. Quiet may seem nice but truthfully it is BORING. No laundry and no dishes are nice, but without lively conversation and a reason to clean who cares.

I remember years ago, when my mother and I were arguing about why I was marrying my husband. Why would I give up a man at MIT to see an electrician? My answer was simply that he made me laugh. And to this day, he continues to do that. He makes me laugh, cry, yell, smile. Our relationship makes life worth living. Our relationship takes life from survival to emotion. It is the difference between a flat line and a health sinus rhythm.

What makes your spouse worth your time and energy?


Well, I better finish this up so that I can go get some Italian bread to go with the lasagna.

PS. I did talk to the neighbor’s wife. I simply started by asking if she was ok. . .I’m not sure that it helped at all, but I was able to get out that this is not something you want to do around your son and reminded her that our door is always open.