The Small Print to Wedding Vows - Beware!

I was thinking about the traditional wedding vows today as I was loading and unloading the dishwasher. At first I thought that they needed to be revamped to properly reflect my husband and my relationship, but then I realized that they really said all that they needed. It was just that I did not read the fine print underneath.

I, Dawn, take you, George, to be my husband,
To have and to hold –to be touched by you and all future children at all times and at any time no matter how I feel about it; regardless of the fact that we will have two children within 22 months that will suckle endlessly from the same breasts that you will want to tend to as part of your marital privilege later.
For better or for worse –Despite losing jobs, losing our health insurance, and losing my mind in the day to day grind of life.
For richer, for poorer – And poorer and poorer and poorer, when we choose to add kids into the mix.
In sickness and in health – I will make sure that I still take care of the kids, do the laundry, and make dinner.
To love and to cherish – despite your disgusting habits that you are now passing onto our children.
From this day forward until death do us part – Who knew death would look so appealing? Is that really an option?

Of course, I guess my husband’s would be:

I, George, take you, Dawn, to be my wife,
To have and to hold my tongue even if I disagree with you.
For better or for worse dressed and I’ll revert to the “have and hold my tongue” when it is worse.
For richer, for poorer when as the college educated one, you choose to stay home with the children.
In sickness and in health, I will go to work to earn the money for our family
To love and to cherish and never speak of my frustrations to anyone, especially my mother.
From this day forward until death do us part which isn’t too far away if I keep working so hard.

Who knew these words could have so much meaning? The romance of getting married is like icing on the cake, living together day in and day out, surviving the trials and tribulations is the actual cake itself. It is the structure and the support. It is what makes the romance beautiful and worthwhile. It is the substance of the cake that makes the frosting so sweet.

Moving

In this economic time, saying that you are moving is more of a question than a statement. My husband took a new job in February and we began to get the house ready for the market. It went on the market on June 2nd. Here we sit in July with no real action to speak of. Now we have to contemplate changing the price. Of course, the discussion about changing the price led to a difficult conversation with my husband. Who finally frustratingly told me to “do whatever you want”. As if I want any of this! I would rather just enjoy my home and friends here, but I’m not for forever transitions either. Half of our life is packed in boxes in the cellar. We’re afraid to sign up for anything because we don’t know if we’ll be here. We didn’t even plant a garden.

I understand his concern of leaving money on the table, but I am afraid of never even getting to the table.

Ironically, this weekend we visited with friends that moved out of town last year. They had their house on the market, sold, and moved half way across the country in less than 45 days. It took us 4 months to get the house to market (and there are still projects to finish), it has been on the market for two months, and I don’t think that we are anywhere near the end. I remember thinking that they had underpriced their house, but perhaps they were smarter than all of us as they are happily resettled in Missouri.

I wonder when this economic downturn will change. As I reduced our price, which will take effect next Monday, I'm making a bet that it will be longer rather than shorter. Now I have to worry that we’ll have enough money to buy a new home up in Massachusetts.

Anyone else stuck in this real estate bubble? What strategies are you using?

Needs vs. Wants

It is so easy need things. I need this fancy new knife in my kitchen. I need a new car. I need a new skirt. But are these truly needs? I have knives in my kitchen. My car is still running and perhaps I can get by with my old skirt a bit longer. We are such a society of consumerism that I think we have blurred the lines between these two words, which have very different meanings.

It may be a very interesting experiment to ask your children to write such a list to see what they may put in both categories.

I found it interesting this last Christmas that my daughter was not even clear on the word “want”. Even a want for me requires some ongoing use, otherwise why bother having it at all. When we had gone with Girl Scouts to PineGrove Dude Ranch, my assistant leader and I became a little side tracked at the air hockey table (Ok, the girls would use the word addicted). The girls are old enough to go off on their own, so we gave them strict instructions to stay in the buddy system and to check in with us at certain time intervals. Of course, the check in location was the air hockey table in the lobby. Sherry and I would both be embarrassed to divulge the amount of money we spent in that machine over the course of three days. Our arms actually ached on the way home, but boy did we laugh. My daughter took this as a sign that I wanted and needed an air hockey table. She began her campaign to make sure that I had one for Christmas. Her campaign was not long needed as my father quickly fell into her web. Needless to say, for Christmas I got an air hockey table. My daughter was thrilled, she thought that she had found the perfect gift. I was a bit distressed. I love air hockey and go right to it whenever I find a table in our travels, but truthfully, who needs a 6’ x 3’ (maybe 8’ x 4’ - I don’t know) table in their house. Who has time to play more than just a few times a month even when it is right there under your nose? Boy, can I think of a lot of other items that rank closer to the need side of my list that could have been purchased for that money.

Needs vs. wants not only do they need to be separated, but wants need to prioritized and ranked against what you may give up in order to fulfill your want. Please understand, I am not a monk myself and recently have done my own damage in wants at Lia Sophia jewelry parties. But especially as we are culling through 12 years of living in our home and packing for a move, needs and wants are becoming very important to me (and very heavy too!). So perhaps my family and maybe yours too need to start really thinking about what the difference is.

If you tried the experiment, let us know your results.

Points of Perfection

Every once in a while, I touch perfection. I never know when it may happen. The first time I remember recognizing it was when my husband and the kids were making a gingerbread house and I was in the kitchen making Chex Mix. Christmas carols were playing on the radio. I turned around from the stove, wiping my hands in a towel. I was ready to say something, but I shut my mouth and thought this is it. Please let me put this moment in a bottle. Tonight I have had another moment, it was nothing special. George and I were finishing up a movie. The cat curled up against my leg. I pet his head. A moment - - -a single moment of pure perfection.

I’ve had a few others that I remember, but I’m sure there are even more that I may not be aware of. I encourage each of you to look for those moments of perfection. This doesn’t mean planning them or spending money to create them. It means simply being open to them, being aware of your blessings, recognizing their fleetingness and savoring them.

Memory is a child walking along a seashore. You never can tell what small pebble it will pick up and store away among its treasured things. ~Pierce Harris, Atlanta Journal

The Benefits of Marriage

The men are back home . . .It has been a long quiet week: only one load of laundry. I think I ran the dishwasher twice. No meal planning – I think we had baked potatoes one night, clams another. It was so easy and quiet. Did I mention how quiet it was. Now they’re home, I have a homemade lasagna in the oven and there is a pile of laundry to be done. This situation might beg the question – why do women get married? I think all married women have asked themselves this question at one time or another (except maybe those that are still in the honeymoon phase.). Sometimes it seems that the husband takes as much time and energy as the kids. Wouldn’t it/ Couldn’t it be easier alone?

Each time I ponder this question, I fortunately come back with a resounding “NO!” The men – my son and husband – are critical members of our family. Quiet may seem nice but truthfully it is BORING. No laundry and no dishes are nice, but without lively conversation and a reason to clean who cares.

I remember years ago, when my mother and I were arguing about why I was marrying my husband. Why would I give up a man at MIT to see an electrician? My answer was simply that he made me laugh. And to this day, he continues to do that. He makes me laugh, cry, yell, smile. Our relationship makes life worth living. Our relationship takes life from survival to emotion. It is the difference between a flat line and a health sinus rhythm.

What makes your spouse worth your time and energy?


Well, I better finish this up so that I can go get some Italian bread to go with the lasagna.

PS. I did talk to the neighbor’s wife. I simply started by asking if she was ok. . .I’m not sure that it helped at all, but I was able to get out that this is not something you want to do around your son and reminded her that our door is always open.

Moral Dilemma – Help!

You are out walking your dog and you hear the neighbors having an all out brawl.

“XXXXX, why the F---- did you have to come in here?” He booms.

I cannot understand the response, but can hear the yelling. And then their 5 year old lets out a piercing scream and just keeps screaming as the parents are screaming around him.

What do you do?

How about if this isn’t the first time? Several years ago, when the 5 year old was still in a high chair, I was out walking (understand, I am not spying or eaves dropping. Our house is set back and in order to get from my house to the road, I have to walk down my driveway which runs directly beside their house) when I heard the screaming and then the heart breaking sound of their son screaming. This time it was worse because I started to hear things slamming into the wall. I couldn’t stop myself. I went right over to their house. Their front door was open. I called their names and walked in to take their son out. Drips of blood was on the staircase. It was then that I thought – whoa, I have crossed the line. I could be putting myself in danger. The husband was obviously embarrassed but started to explain what he thought was the “reason” for his behavior. I simply said that whatever was between them was between them, but their son did not have to see and hear it. I actually was so brazen to go up, unstrap their son from his booster seat. My hands were shaking. “I’m going to take him outside.” The wife followed me out and the angry husband ended up driving away.

My husband thought I was insane when I told him what I had done. I tried to tell him, he would have done something himself. There is no way he could have heard the boy’s screams and ignored them.

The hard part is that as neighbors, we are obviously privy to more information. I have seen this father with his son. His son is his life. He is attentive and caring. He spends every free moment with his son. The mother, although very nice, I think has a drinking problem. I think that is why we have never really hit it off. We’ve had tea a few times, but other times when they have had us over, I have seen her slur her words. I have watched the awkwardness with her son; the overly loving, praising mom that comes with the a few extra drinks.

What we each do in our own home is our business, but not when it concerns a child. How do I explain to these people the damage that they are doing to their son, even though they never strike him? How do I look them in the eye after I have this conversation?

Last night, I’ll tell you that I did not burst in. I just started walking my dog very loudly; praising him for listening and loudly encouraging him toward the house. I hoped that if I could hear them, they could hear me. Of course my goal is not to get them to be quieter and truthfully, I don’t expect that they will never fight, we all fight; but, I want them to wake up and realize that they are behaving this way in front of a very small child who will bear the scars from this night forever. I came home sick to my stomach wondering if I should call the police. What would I do if something horrible happened and I knew in advance?

I’m thinking today, I will go over to talk to her but I just don’t know what to say.

I welcome any suggestions.


Ironically, on one of my other blogs, tlginfaith.blogspot.com , I was discussing saints vs. sinners and that not all choices are black and white. While I put the entry together, I came by the following quote which can certainly be applied to this situation. Here he is talking globally, but the same applies locally. “I swore never to be silent whenever wherever human beings endure suffering and humiliation. We must take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented. Sometimes we must interfere. When human lives are endangered, when human dignity is in jeopardy, national borders and sensitivities become irrelevant. Wherever men and women are persecuted because of their race, religion, or political views, that place must - at that moment - become the center of the universe.” Elie Wiesel’s Nobel Prize Speech

Freedom at Risk

This morning on the news, there was a story about insurance companies adjusting rates based on the number of miles you drive. They do this a bit already when you declare how far you drive to work, but this program would take this a step farther. They would like to electronically monitor your odometer. The theory behind this is that the farther you drive, the more likely you are to be in an accident. It was sold in the news story as a possible way to reduce rates for those of us who drive less. In my experience, any short drive savings, if there are any, will be set off strongly by the increases imposed. Frighteningly, most of the people that were questioned during the news story were enthusiastic about the idea. They felt if it might reduce the cost of insurance, they were all for it. HELLO –People! Why don’t you just sign over your privacy now?

People don’t realize that the loss of rights doesn’t happen in one striking blow, but in small acceptable steps. Recently, I read the book book Night by Elie Wiesel. His first chapters illustrate this idea in horrifying truth. Elie was a young man growing up during the time of World War II. He was Jewish. He watched first hand as the people in his town complied with Nazi’s requests. Move to the Ghetto – ok, it may be better to live together anyway. Be prepared to move on - at least we will have our families. As they arrived at the death camps, let us revolt – let us keep our calm and see what happens. Elie writes in frightening detail about what comes next. They have gone too far to do anything to stop what comes next.

I often think that people would willingly place tracking devices in their children if given the proper persuasion. If it was said that the government was requiring implants, the people would rise up. But if the same “request” was formed as a way to protect and keep children safe, mothers would line up for miles never considering that something so good could be used for wrong later on.We must be vigilant about our rights always. Our freedoms can so easily slip through our fingers under the guise of what is right and “good for us”.

Free people, remember this maxim: We may acquire liberty, but it is never recovered if it is once lost. ~ Jean-Jacques Rosseau